When I was in my twenties, I thought the secret to being irresistible was being easy. Not academically easy, but Cool Girl easy. The one who threw back beers with the boys, laughed off offensive jokes, was always down to “kick the footy” and never — ever — made a fuss. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve probably even tried to be her.
The Cool Girl has been mythologised in film, TV, and pop culture for decades. She’s Cameron Diaz in There’s Something About Mary, and Jennifer Lawrence being “one of the guys” on late-night TV. She’s the woman who can hang out at the pub, demolish a parma, and still look effortlessly chic while doing it.
But here’s the kicker: being the Cool Girl isn’t actually cool. It’s exhausting. And if you’ve entered your thirties, you’ve probably realised what I finally did. That it’s an act. A performance that prioritises being liked over being authentic.
The Labour Of Appearing ‘Chill’
The Cool Girl doesn’t just look good. She looks good without trying. Her messy bun looks hot rather than haggard, and her white tee has that just-right slouch in a way that together, suggests she just woke up like this. She’s low-maintenance by design, but the irony is that being low-maintenance requires a lot of maintenance.
I spent years pretending that I was fine with plans changing last minute, that I loved being relaxed about relationships, and that I didn’t care when I was treated poorly. The truth is, it wasn’t that I didn’t care but more like I didn’t think I was allowed to care. At the time, for me, being agreeable was akin to being accepted. But by the time I finally turned 30, I finally asked myself who exactly I was seeking acceptance from.
“The coolest thing a woman in her thirties can be… is unapologetically herself.”
But there’s a truth that no one tells you in your twenties and that is: The Cool Girl ages like milk and what felt edgy at 25 can start to look unhinged by 35. Being the girl who pretends not to care if he calls is embarrassing., and it can be soul destroying to laugh off a guy’s bad behaviour to keep the peace. Pretending to love what everyone else loves just to fit in makes me feel like I need a nap just thinking about it.
At 37, I don’t want to be the chill girl anymore. I want to be the woman who sends her meal back if it’s wrong, sets boundaries in relationships, and says no without guilt.
And here’s the secret I wish someone had told me earlier: the right people don’t actually want you to be the Cool Girl, they want you to be you.
The Social Media Effect
It’s not just men who benefited from the Cool Girl trope. Social media has built an entire industry off it, with everything from the curated ‘effortless’ aesthetic of millennial influencers to the #cleangirlmakeup selfies all feeding into the dreaded Cool Girl energy.
But something’s shifting. Women in their thirties are rejecting the effortless lie in favour of honesty. We’re sharing our endo struggles, our IVF journeys, our grief, and our cellulite — and audiences are rewarding people for it. The rise of more relatable influencers isn’t an accident, but more like the collective exhale of women who are done performing perfection.
For me, dropping the Cool Girl act hasn’t been as simple as going cold turkey. I still catch myself wanting to be “easy”, saying yes to things I don’t want to do, and brushing off hurt feelings instead of voicing them. But I’m unlearning it, piece by piece.
When I moved in with my partner, Ned, I had to teach myself it was okay to be looked after. To admit when I was tired, when I needed help, when I didn’t want to be the one doing all the emotional heavy lifting.
“Hyper-independence looks a lot like Cool Girl energy — until you realise it’s just fear in disguise.”
The more I let myself be “uncool” and embrace my more emotional, needy, assertive, and let’s be honest, messy sides, the closer I feel to myself. And surprise, surprise! My relationships are better for it. If you look around, you’ll start to see it everywhere. Women in their thirties are reclaiming the narrative and choosing soft over stoic, boundaries over burnout, and authenticity over performance.
The Anti-Cool Girl doesn’t perform for the male gaze of pretend to be low-maintenance when she has needs (we all do). She doesn’t hide her ambition, apologise for her preferences, or dim her light to make others comfortable.
She is, ironically, actually cool.
Why It Resonates in Our Thirties
Your thirties have a funny way of cutting through the smoke and smashing the mirrors. You don’t have the energy to keep up with multiple personalities that don’t fit anymore because as you enter your third decade, life gets heavier. Balancing your career with relationships, babies, and ageing parents means that you need friends and partners who can meet you there, not ones who only like the ‘fun’ version of you.
Being the Cool Girl was about survival in our twenties. Dropping her is about thriving in our thirties.
I’ll be honest: I don’t always get it right. I still slip into people-pleasing mode and laugh at things that aren’t funny, or pretend I’m fine when my feelings are hurt. But as someone who’s spent most of her adult life playing the role of the Fun Party Girl in the public eye, I can tell you this: I’ve never felt more content and grounded than I do now, simply by showing up as my true, authentic self.
Being the Cool Girl was always a myth. One that never served me in the first place.
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